Friday, March 9, 2012
The thing about G
The thing about G is you just never know. You never know what is going to make him work harder and soar, you never know what is going to spur a meltdown. You never know what strange thing he is going to do because he has no impulse control whatsoever. Like the holes he poked in the shower curtain liner with his finger last week while taking a particularly long shower. Or the deep ridges he scraped into the bar of soap during another shower. Or the layer of liquid soap on the bathroom counter that I didn't notice until hours after he left for school. I had no idea why th counter looked so funny, and when I tried to wipe it up with a wet rag, it got tons of soap bubbles, and then I realized. You just never know. It's exhausting. And then I realize he is going to be in college in 5 years. That thought paralizes me.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Longest blogging break ever :)
I haven't blogged in ages. I know no one is really paying attention, but wow, long break! But now I need to get back into it. I want to say this out loud, even though no one is listening :)
ASPERGERS SUCKS!
There, I said it. It sucks. It blows. I hate that it has to be part of our lives. Because its not just part of G's life, it's part of our family. When J has to wait, again, because G is melting down and well into hour two, it affects our family. When T is so frustrated she could spit because G has an idea of how he wants to play with her, and she doesn't fit into his box, it affects our family. When I desperately want to feel a connection, any kind of connection and he is just not able, it affects our family. This is the biggest one for me, I can handle the meltdowns, I've actually gotten pretty good at navigating through them. I can handle the sibling squabbles, no matter how out of the ordinary. I hate hate HATE feeling like it is so difficult to connect to G. I am having a hard time with that this week. I take G to therapy every other week about 40 minute drive from home. And every time in the car, he sits in silence, staring out the window, or reading. Trying to engage him in a conversation is worse then pulling teeth. Last night was one of those nights. When I tried to talk about this specifically with G, his response was "I'm sorry you feel like its hard to have a conversation with me". Ugh, so not what I said. I want it to be easy. I carried him for 9 1/2 stinking months. I spent 24 hours a day with him for the first 3 yrs of his life until he went to preschool 2 hours twice a week. When my sweet little 4 day old decided after bottle number 1 that he not only didn't want my nipple, he would only take a certain bottle with a certain nipple, I pumped like crazy, and made sure even though it was a bottle, he was being fed with love. And yet, I can't just have a simple conversation with him when the two of us are confined in car. It's killing me. I am having a very hard time. But, like every other aspect of aspergers, I will figure out a way to get through it. I will drive him back to therapy in 2 weeks, and try like hell to engage him in some sort of conversation. Try like hell to connect with him I whatever litte way I can. It's all I want to do.
ASPERGERS SUCKS!
There, I said it. It sucks. It blows. I hate that it has to be part of our lives. Because its not just part of G's life, it's part of our family. When J has to wait, again, because G is melting down and well into hour two, it affects our family. When T is so frustrated she could spit because G has an idea of how he wants to play with her, and she doesn't fit into his box, it affects our family. When I desperately want to feel a connection, any kind of connection and he is just not able, it affects our family. This is the biggest one for me, I can handle the meltdowns, I've actually gotten pretty good at navigating through them. I can handle the sibling squabbles, no matter how out of the ordinary. I hate hate HATE feeling like it is so difficult to connect to G. I am having a hard time with that this week. I take G to therapy every other week about 40 minute drive from home. And every time in the car, he sits in silence, staring out the window, or reading. Trying to engage him in a conversation is worse then pulling teeth. Last night was one of those nights. When I tried to talk about this specifically with G, his response was "I'm sorry you feel like its hard to have a conversation with me". Ugh, so not what I said. I want it to be easy. I carried him for 9 1/2 stinking months. I spent 24 hours a day with him for the first 3 yrs of his life until he went to preschool 2 hours twice a week. When my sweet little 4 day old decided after bottle number 1 that he not only didn't want my nipple, he would only take a certain bottle with a certain nipple, I pumped like crazy, and made sure even though it was a bottle, he was being fed with love. And yet, I can't just have a simple conversation with him when the two of us are confined in car. It's killing me. I am having a very hard time. But, like every other aspect of aspergers, I will figure out a way to get through it. I will drive him back to therapy in 2 weeks, and try like hell to engage him in some sort of conversation. Try like hell to connect with him I whatever litte way I can. It's all I want to do.
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