The thing about G

The thing about G is you just never know. You never know what is going to make him work harder and soar, you never know what is going to spur a meltdown. You never know what strange thing he is going to do because he has no impulse control whatsoever. Like the holes he poked in the shower curtain liner with his finger last week while taking a particularly long shower. Or the deep ridges he scraped into the bar of soap during another shower. Or the layer of liquid soap on the bathroom counter that I didn't notice until hours after he left for school. I had no idea why th counter looked so funny, and when I tried to wipe it up with a wet rag, it got tons of soap bubbles, and then I realized. You just never know. It's exhausting. And then I realize he is going to be in college in 5 years. That thought paralizes me.

Longest blogging break ever :)

I haven't blogged in ages. I know no one is really paying attention, but wow, long break! But now I need to get back into it. I want to say this out loud, even though no one is listening :)

ASPERGERS SUCKS!

There, I said it. It sucks. It blows. I hate that it has to be part of our lives. Because its not just part of G's life, it's part of our family. When J has to wait, again, because G is melting down and well into hour two, it affects our family. When T is so frustrated she could spit because G has an idea of how he wants to play with her, and she doesn't fit into his box, it affects our family. When I desperately want to feel a connection, any kind of connection and he is just not able, it affects our family. This is the biggest one for me, I can handle the meltdowns, I've actually gotten pretty good at navigating through them. I can handle the sibling squabbles, no matter how out of the ordinary. I hate hate HATE feeling like it is so difficult to connect to G. I am having a hard time with that this week. I take G to therapy every other week about 40 minute drive from home. And every time in the car, he sits in silence, staring out the window, or reading. Trying to engage him in a conversation is worse then pulling teeth. Last night was one of those nights. When I tried to talk about this specifically with G, his response was "I'm sorry you feel like its hard to have a conversation with me". Ugh, so not what I said. I want it to be easy. I carried him for 9 1/2 stinking months. I spent 24 hours a day with him for the first 3 yrs of his life until he went to preschool 2 hours twice a week. When my sweet little 4 day old decided after bottle number 1 that he not only didn't want my nipple, he would only take a certain bottle with a certain nipple, I pumped like crazy, and made sure even though it was a bottle, he was being fed with love. And yet, I can't just have a simple conversation with him when the two of us are confined in car. It's killing me. I am having a very hard time. But, like every other aspect of aspergers, I will figure out a way to get through it. I will drive him back to therapy in 2 weeks, and try like hell to engage him in some sort of conversation. Try like hell to connect with him I whatever litte way I can. It's all I want to do.

self awareness, and a big step forward

so, for the past few days, we had been talking about G inviting his friend M over for a sleepover friday night. G & M are great friends and have sleepovers frequently. So, friday comes and we ask G to call M and see if he wants to come over. "Ill do it later" was G's response. Later, we asked again, and this time it was "CAn we do it tomorrow instead?" We said of course. I let it go. then, this morning, I asked him if he wanted to call M and ask him about tonight. He said sure. He called, set it up, and is stoked about his friend, movies, wii, and crappy food:) So I asked him why not yesterday? He said he just knew yesterday was not a good day for him. ( he was right, from my perspective) He knew he needed some space. he know he would have a hard time with the closeness, the noise, the social demands. He was able to figure that out all on his own. he felt it, recognized it, and was able to verbalize it! Do you know how huge this is? I mean this is HUUUUUGGGGGEEEEE. It is hard for me as an adult, without aspergers, or OCD to be aware of why i am feeling the way I am feeling, and what is the best course of action for me on a particular day, in a particular mood. I'm so proud of him!

In between

This post is not G specific. It's my whole family, myself, as a mother. Myself, as a person, really. The last post and the the email thread I talked about in that post have had me thinking. We don't really fit in to any sort of mold as a family, as a mother, as a person. Are too crunchy, or weird for my "maintream" friends, not crunchy enough for my natural minded friends. So we are in between. Kinda sucks. I feel like we experience judgement from both sides at times. My kids watch too much tv, or we vaccinated our kids (slowly, carefully) , or we decided to medicate G, so sometimes the natural community thinks we don't belong there. My mainstream friends can't believe we didn't follow the prescribed vax schedule to a T and think breastfeeding my daughter for nearly 2 1/2 years is insane. So where DO we fit in?

Know what. Here is a secret...... I don't care! We fit in together, as a family. We compliment each other, and we make our unit work. That is the only thing that matters. So we will just keep plugging away, doing what we do. Making choices that work for us. People need to remind themselves that most of the time, parents are doing the best they can for their kids. Making the best choices they can with their kids best interest at heart.

Judgement

*sigh*. That's all I got right now. There is an email thread on the AP/natural parenting board about ADHD. people are saying things like "it's often a result of poor nutrition, too much soda, etc". And my favorite" changing nutrition isn't as easy as along them swallow a pill every day.....". Wow, just freaking wow. Judgment, yet again. And again, and again. And I realize that this is something that is always going to be part if our lives. Always going to be part of G's life. He is always going to have someone who thinks he choose the wrong path, who thinks he is strange, who just..doesn't.get.it.

Sleepovers

G has this awesome friend M. He slept over at M's house last night. Sleepover nights at M's give me a little break. I hate to say it, but its true. T goes to bed early, and J gets some much needed one on one time. And G has a blast,staying up realllllllly late, playing wii, eating little ceasers pizza. its a tween boys idea of heaven. i need to get over my guilt of liking the break, or welcoming a little less chaos into the house for just one night.

Choices

Choices completely overwhelm him. I never realized how many choices people make through out the day until I had a kid who melts down at the very thought of having to choose. I remember once whehe was about 6, my parents sent the kids some money in a valentines card. He had 10 dollars to spend in the toy store. Every kids dream, right? Well, not my kid. He was sitting on the floor, with a toy in each hand crying, sobbing, because he couldn't figure out which to get. It took every ounce of willpower I had to not swoop in and tell hm he could get both. As a mom, you want to take away pain, and protect your child from feeling that. But as a parent of a kid with AS, you need to do the opposite, sort of. You need to help them get through it. You need to help them face it. And it's painful,and messy filled with tears. I'm sure a lot of parents in the store that day thought we had a pretty spoiled kid. Stomping feet, crying that he couldn't decide, but they don't know what i know.

He wasn't even diagnosed yet at that point. But I remember feeling right in that moment, that my life as a mother was never going to be the same.